Coffee Cow

Coffee – my better half lives for it. And not just any coffee; it has to be a special bean, a special roast, from a special store, and made specifically to her special specifications. Okay, so she’s a little special but she has other good qualities too numerous to mention here.

I, on the other hand, have a cup of coffee about once a month, usually on a day when my darling leaves a little too much in the bottom of the pot and triggers my compulsive frugality. So you can imagine my horrification (I know that’s not actually a word) at the wastage when a friend bought Carol a pound of the finest coffee beans and they sat in the freezer for months.

Just when I considered doing something drastic, like secretly mixing the scorned beans into her regular brand, (which would be equivalent to cheating on her with George Bush-eww, I just made myself sick), I came across a recipe that involved super-finely ground coffee beans and steak.

Sound crazy? Sure it is, but really, is life worth living in that little box you call your brain? Schedule a break out and try it. The next time you’re thinking of throwing a thick juicy steak on the grill, stick your favorite beans into the grinder until you have coffee powder. Then try the following recipe, which I like to call:

COFFEE COW

Ingredients: (per steak)
2 Tablespoons of freshly ground coffee powder
1/2 teaspoon of garlic powder
1/2 teaspoon of onion powder
1/2 teaspoon of ground pepper
1/4 teaspoon of salt (or soy sauce is yummy)
Optional: You can add any other spice that you enjoy: chili powder, cayenne, curry powder, coriander – be creative.
NOTE: You can also substitute your favorite steak seasoning for the individual ingredients. Just mix as much seasoning as you would normally, with 2 tablespoons coffee powder per steak.

Instructions:
Shake it all up and rub liberally on both sides of the steak. (Easy. Even big dykes could do it.)

I bet you’re dying to know how Carol liked it. Well, she didn’t. I should have realized that mangling her two favorite things in the world (steak and coffee) was a recipe for disaster. Turns out that I destroyed the beautiful purity of each of them. Go figure.

I thought they were absolutely scrumptious, mouth-tantalizing, heavenly steaks. Does that count? And no, it didn’t taste like steak dipped in coffee. It tasted like…like… Of course I’m not going to tell you. Try it. Live a little.