Coffee Cow

Coffee – my better half lives for it. And not just any coffee; it has to be a special bean, a special roast, from a special store, and made specifically to her special specifications. Okay, so she’s a little special but she has other good qualities too numerous to mention here.

I, on the other hand, have a cup of coffee about once a month, usually on a day when my darling leaves a little too much in the bottom of the pot and triggers my compulsive frugality. So you can imagine my horrification (I know that’s not actually a word) at the wastage when a friend bought Carol a pound of the finest coffee beans and they sat in the freezer for months.

Just when I considered doing something drastic, like secretly mixing the scorned beans into her regular brand, (which would be equivalent to cheating on her with George Bush-eww, I just made myself sick), I came across a recipe that involved super-finely ground coffee beans and steak.

Sound crazy? Sure it is, but really, is life worth living in that little box you call your brain? Schedule a break out and try it. The next time you’re thinking of throwing a thick juicy steak on the grill, stick your favorite beans into the grinder until you have coffee powder. Then try the following recipe, which I like to call:

COFFEE COW

Ingredients: (per steak)
2 Tablespoons of freshly ground coffee powder
1/2 teaspoon of garlic powder
1/2 teaspoon of onion powder
1/2 teaspoon of ground pepper
1/4 teaspoon of salt (or soy sauce is yummy)
Optional: You can add any other spice that you enjoy: chili powder, cayenne, curry powder, coriander – be creative.
NOTE: You can also substitute your favorite steak seasoning for the individual ingredients. Just mix as much seasoning as you would normally, with 2 tablespoons coffee powder per steak.

Instructions:
Shake it all up and rub liberally on both sides of the steak. (Easy. Even big dykes could do it.)

I bet you’re dying to know how Carol liked it. Well, she didn’t. I should have realized that mangling her two favorite things in the world (steak and coffee) was a recipe for disaster. Turns out that I destroyed the beautiful purity of each of them. Go figure.

I thought they were absolutely scrumptious, mouth-tantalizing, heavenly steaks. Does that count? And no, it didn’t taste like steak dipped in coffee. It tasted like…like… Of course I’m not going to tell you. Try it. Live a little.

Guess what, world? The fanny pack isn’t just for straight people anymore! We’re out, we’re proud and we’re taking over this new trendy way to carry around all of our valuables! Say goodbye to cumbersome purses and…

Wait. What? … Fanny packs were never popular with straight people? … What do you mean just in the 80′s? … But I see lots of people wearing… Only people over 60? … That can’t be! It just can’t be! The next thing you’re going to tell me is the Mullet isn’t in style anymore… What?!?!

OMG, I need to sit down.